


Things Jack Frost Can No Longer Do As Guardian

by Dorksidefiker



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/634933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dorksidefiker/pseuds/Dorksidefiker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack becoming a Guardian of Childhood hasn't been without it's... occasional bumps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

1: Not allowed to start any more Naked Snowball Fights.

2: Naked Sledding is also right out.

3: Nudity and Winter Fun do not go together, and I shouldn’t encourage anyone to think that they do. Just because I don’t feel the cold doesn’t mean everyone else can’t.

4: Not allowed to encourage North to instigate Naked Winter Fun, even if he enjoys it.

5: No more snowball fights in the Workshop.

6: Not allowed to compare the elves to gremlins.

7: Just because the elves AREN’T gremlins doesn’t mean I’m allowed to feed them after midnight.

8: In fact, I’m not allowed to feed them at all.

9: Not allowed to dare Bunnymund to eat anything I happen to find laying about; he always does it.

10: The same goes for North.

11: Sugar is only allowed in moderation. No one wants a repeat of the Great Sugar Rush of 2012.

12: Tooth’s fairies aren’t gremlins either. They don’t reproduce when splashed with water, and they really don’t appreciate it when I try.

13: Not allowed to give Tooth’s fairies sugar. That way lies madness.

14: From here on out, unless something actually IS a gremlin, I’m not allowed to treat them like one. This includes Bunnymund.

15: Never again try to blackmail Sandy; he’s not only older than me, he’s smarter, and in the end he always wins.

16: Not allowed to spike the eggnog. The elves always get into it, which always ends in part of the workshop on fire and the yetis really angry.

17: Not allowed to try and set Bunny up with Greta the Yeti, even if she is very cute and he REALLY needs to get laid.

18: It doesn’t matter that everyone else finds it funny: he’s the Easter Bunny, not the Easter Kangaroo.

19: Mother Nature doesn’t appreciate my little visits. Since no one wants an active volcano opened up beneath their feet, I’m to leave her alone.

20: When asked what my plans for the future are, “To take over the world with my army of elves and fairies” is not a good answer.

21: I am only to use my ability to get Tooth’s fairies to do what I want with a smile only for good.

22: Launching surprise assaults on Bunnymund’s Warren is not a “good”, even if he does need to loosen up and have fun.

23: The elves are not my minions, and I’m not allowed to try and recruit them away from North. The same goes for Tooth’s fairies.

24: If I’m caught trying to recruit minions again, I’ll be given to the yetis to do with as they see fit.

25: Jamie and his friends aren’t my minions either.

26: I’m not allowed to use Sophie and her adorableness to get people to do what I want.

27: I am especially not allowed to use her on Bunny.

28: Blizzards on Easter are to only happen in moderation.

29: Not allowed to blame Mother Nature for any Easter Blizzards unless I can prove it.

30: Mother Nature is a neutral party. She’s not out to get me. ~~_**LIES! She’s been making the weather funky all year!**_~~

31: Not allowed to show Bunny the “joy of flight”.

32: Not allowed to sing High Speed Dirt when in North’s Sleigh with Bunnymund.

33: Not allowed to “liberate” Bunnymund’s eggs.

34: Not allowed to corrupt Bunny’s eggs either. The fairies and the elves are bad enough.

35: Not allowed to teach the eggs to throw themselves at anything or anyone.

36: In conjunction with Rules 1-4: body paint does not count as clothing.

37: Not allowed to amend the Guardian oath in any way, shape, or form.

38: No one appriciates the Pitch shadow puppets.

39: Not allowed to help Bunny's eggs hide from him until they go rotten.

40: Not allowed to try and set Bunny up on a date with Phil.  Especially since Phil can do so much better.


	2. Chapter 2

41: If it ends with someone violently losing a tooth, I shouldn't do it. Tooth's overworked enough as it is.  
42: I am not Enjolras, and the elves are not my fellow Barricade Boys. Attempting this only results in a thorough recreation of what happened to them at the hands of Phil and the Yetis.  
43: Not am I Jean Valjean, and Bunny isn't Javert.  
44: Not allowed to freeze the elves in compromising positions.  
45: Not allowed to pretend that Hod is the lovechild of me and Pitch. No one appreciates it.  
46: Just because I think Mother Nature would be less of a bitch if she was getting laid on a regular basis doesn't mean I should try setting her up with anyone.  
47: Especially not Hod.  
48: Mother Nature doesn't like having her daddy issues brought up, and if I do it again, I'm on my own.  
49: No trying to set Bunny up on blind dates with the Groundhog.  
50: No more photobombing important events. I have believers now, and they can see what I'm doing.  
51: ESPECIALLY no Naked Photoboming.  
52: I do not need theme music. Thus, I should not haul the elves around to PLAY my theme music at all times. No matter how awesome the music is.  
53: Not allowed to watch any movies with 'Jack Frost' in the title. Apparently, these will scar me for life.  
54: I will listen when one of the other Guardians says that something will scar me for life. I will listen when one of the other Guardians says that something will scar me for life. Oh God, I will listen when one of the other Guardians says that something will scar me for life!  
55: I am not allowed to use any of the following bands/musicians for background music or awesome entrances: AC/DC, Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, The Offspring, Poets of the Fall, Judas Priest, Lady Gaga, Weird Al, Rob Zombie, ZZ Top, Led Zeppelin.  
56: I am not to help or hinder Jamie's romantic endeavors in any way, shape, or form, because Cupcake can probably take me in a fight.   
57: Not allowed to encourage people to think of me as one of the Undead.  
58: Not allowed to form my own superhero team.  
59: Not allowed to form my own super villain team.  
60: Not allowed to pretend to be Loki. He never takes it well.


	3. Chapter 3

61: Not allowed to recreate any scenes from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes using Bunny's garden.  
62: Not allowed to pretend to be a vampire in order to get believers. If I do it again, I will be left to deal with the fangirls myself.  
63: Flipping girls' skirts will result in Tooth coming down on me like the Wrath of God.  
64: Not allowed to eat chocolate covered coffee beans. That way lies madness.  
65: Not allowed to give Tooth's girls chocolate covered coffee beans.  
66: If I give chocolate covered coffee beans to the elves ever again, I will be given to the elves.  
67: ALWAYS remember Rule 15.  
68: No bribing the Groundhog for extra weeks of winter.  
69: No passing out pictures of Young North under the guise of helping him get more believers.  
70: No matter how awesome it is, I'm not to help the elves learn the complete works of Queen.  
71: No attempting to become a god.  
72: No more attempting to stage interventions for Pitch, even if Mother Nature helps.  
73: ESPECIALLY if Mother Nature helps.  
74: I am not to ask Bunny to "paint me like one of his French girls."  
75: I am not allowed to have a Tumblr, no matter how tempting it is to screw with the fangirls there.  
76: If I play Life of Brian on repeat while following Bunny around, no one will blame him for what he does to me.  
77: "Because it was there." is not a good reason to do it.  
78: Bunnymund is not a Timelord, Sophie is not his Companion, and if I ask where his TARDIS is one more time, there will no place on earth where I will be safe.  
79: Not allowed to moon the Man in the Moon.  
80: Not allowed to get the Elves to moon the Man in the Moon, no matter how epic it would be.  
81: Not allowed to write rude things with the snow.  
82: This also applies to frost on windows.  
83: Not allowed to help kids cheat on tests by whispering the answers to them.  
84: I am not allowed to round up and destroy all copies of a certain Christmas Special. Even if Bunny wont. stop. playing. it.  
85: No attempting to break through to other realities in order to create my own "Big Four".


	4. Chapter 4

86: Elves do not need Naked Time, and I should not encourage them.

87: Shaved yetis are like shaved bears: absolutely horrifying to look at.

88: I am not allowed to cut off bits of North's beard to sell them. Especially not to Pitch.

89: The same applies to Bunny.

90: Rule 87 ALSO applies to Bunny.

91: Not allowed to help the Easter Elf ninja his way back and forth between the Warren and North's Workshop.

92: Not allowed to encourage the Easter Elf in his delusions.  ~~Pft, like he needs any help.  LIVE THE DREAM, LITTLE BUDDY!~~ ~~  
~~93: Not allowed to give elves to Mother Nature as a peace offering.

94: Not allowed to sell the elves.

95: I have already been told that the elves aren't to be recruited as minions.  This ALSO includes painting them new colors and trying to claim that they aren't actually elves.

96: As the elves don't need Naked Time, they ALSO don't need to charge into battle naked, like the Celts.

97: Elves do not need catapults.

98: I am not allowed to declare war on any other season.  This gets right up Mother Nature's ~~giant~~ perfectly suited to her face nose, and then she starts talking about active volcanoes at the North Pole.

99: Not allowed to gives elves to my believers as a "Thank You" gift.  Cupcake was grounded for a month after hers ran amok.

100: Not allowed to hunt down a unicorn to give to Cupcake, no matter how badly she wants one.

101: Not allowed to give Cupcake a dragon instead, no matter how cool it would be.

102: None of the Guardians are secretly Time Lords, and I'm to stop accusing them of being so.

103: I am not allowed to set up a secret distilery in North's workshop.

104: I'm not allowed to help the elves set up a secret distilery in North's workshop.

105: If I rat out the yetis about their secret distilery in North's Workshop, they're gonna stick my head on a pike as a warning to all others.


	5. Chapter 5

106: Bunny is not a pagan fertility god ~~anymore~~   **and never was** , and I should stop implying that he is,  _especially_ around children.

107: I do not need a flamethrower to defend myself against other winter spirits.

108: Not allowed to get people to worship me as a god.  It's more likely to get me ritualistically killed and eaten than anything else.

109: The elves aren't trying to eat me, and I need to stop implying that they are.  **~~LIES!  I SAW THE COOK POT!~~**

110: Leave.  New Brunswick.  Alone.

111: I am now limited to ten Monty Python quotes a day.  I should learn to use them wisely.

112: No recreating the Dead Parrot Sketch using Baby Tooth.

113: No more pretending to be The Puck.  It's one of the few things he DOESN'T have a sense of humor about.

114: I am only allowed to insult people in Shakespearian style five times a day, and I should learn to use it wisely.

115: Not allowed to use the elves and fairies to stage ANY of the works of Shakespeare.  The fairies have things they're supposed to be doing, and the elves never remember their lines anyway.

116: Not allowed to speak soley in Cockny Rhyming Slang.

117: I do not need to learn to play the bagpipes.

118: Jack Frost is not allowed to speak in the Third Person.  The others find it deeply disturbing.

119: Not allowed to 'borrow' Sandy's dream sand for ANY reason.

120: Bunny does not bathe by running through a venomous spider filled forrest until either all the germs are dead or he is.

121: I am not allowed to attempt to bathe by running through a venomous spider filled forrest until either all the germs are dead or I am.

122: I am only allowed to make three jokes about how I'm already dead per day.

123: I am not a zombie, ghoul, revenant, or liche, and should never pretend to be such.

124: Niether is Pitch Black.

125: I am not the Token Evil Teammate, and I am to stop behaving as such.

126: No more attempting to form a Winter Spirit Union.  There's a reason why the plural of winter spirit is 'war'.

127: 'Run away, run away!' is not an acceptable battle cry.

128: Not allowed to see how high I can make elves bounce.

129: I cannot attempt to liven up meetings with a snappy musical number.  That's North's job.

130: Not allowed to play 'Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better' with Bunny.  It always ends with something on fire, someone half frozen, and him winning anyway.

**Works inspired by this one:**

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